Lights come up on a man in loose-fitting
white pants and a tee-shirt sitting onstage
reverse-"Indian-style" (Lotus position).
He hands are formed into "OK" signs,
resting on his knees, his thumb and
forefinger making a circle. He has dark
hair and bare feet. This is Cyrus.
As he breathes, a low "ohhmm"
sound is heard coming from him.
Suddenly, another man bursts in,
carrying a multitude of canvas bags
[Ivan]. He is panting considerably, like
he's just walked ten flights.
IVAN
Jesus, Cyrus, you wouldn't believe the price of ham...it's ridiculous, is what it is...
CYRUS
[Lifting one eyelid, ignoring]
Mhmm.
IVAN
[Still panting]
I mean, I walked all over the damn city, trying to find ONE deli or podunk butcher's shop that would sell me some...decent...ham... [patting himself down] -Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a ten, would you? I blew all my...my money on goddamn groceries, now I've got nothing to take out...stupid...Ruth... [finding a pack of cigarettes, lighting one] Girls are worthless, you know that? [Extending hand with cigarette]
Want one?
CYRUS
[Breathing deeply]
You know I don't smoke.
Jesus, Cyrus, you wouldn't believe the price of ham...it's ridiculous, is what it is...
CYRUS
[Lifting one eyelid, ignoring]
Mhmm.
IVAN
[Still panting]
I mean, I walked all over the damn city, trying to find ONE deli or podunk butcher's shop that would sell me some...decent...ham... [patting himself down] -Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a ten, would you? I blew all my...my money on goddamn groceries, now I've got nothing to take out...stupid...Ruth... [finding a pack of cigarettes, lighting one] Girls are worthless, you know that? [Extending hand with cigarette]
Want one?
CYRUS
[Breathing deeply]
You know I don't smoke.
IVAN
[Raising an eyebrow, shrugging]
Y'used to.
CYRUS
[Eyes still closed]
Ivan, I'm trying to meditate.
IVAN
Meditate?! What the hell for?
CYRUS
Jujitsu teacher reccomended yoga. Yoga teacher reccomended meditation.
IVAN
[Playfully, shoving him, almost tipping him over]
And what'd the meditation teacher say? He tell you to become a monk?
CYRUS
[Irritated, pointing offstage]
Put away the groceries.
[Irritated, pointing offstage]
Put away the groceries.
IVAN scoffs, dragging some of the bags
offstage. He is heard shouting.
offstage. He is heard shouting.
IVAN
Y'know - this stupid - health kick you're on, it can't be good for you -
Y'know - this stupid - health kick you're on, it can't be good for you -
CYRUS opens his eyes and casts disgusted
look of disbelief and annoyance towards IVAN.
look of disbelief and annoyance towards IVAN.
IVAN
I mean, y'won't eat any of this - look at all this shit! I don't know what's wrong - [something falls and hits the floor heavily offstage] OUCH! Damn it...so much for the ham, I guess -
I mean, y'won't eat any of this - look at all this shit! I don't know what's wrong - [something falls and hits the floor heavily offstage] OUCH! Damn it...so much for the ham, I guess -
CYRUS gets up, agitated, and moves across
the stage to a spot further from IVAN (who
is currently not visible, off stage right). He
resettles, gets into the Lotus position again
and puts his hands as before. He resumes
his "ohhm"s.
the stage to a spot further from IVAN (who
is currently not visible, off stage right). He
resettles, gets into the Lotus position again
and puts his hands as before. He resumes
his "ohhm"s.
IVAN
[Strolling back onstage eating a baguette, then stopping, mouth half-full, laughing]
What-? Oh, Jesus, Cyrus, you've got to stop this.
CYRUS
[Obviously irritated]
Doctor says it's good for my blood pressure.
IVAN
Oh, doctors are full of shit.
CYRUS
[Raising arms above head and putting his hands together, breathing]
Ivan, go out and get drunk or something. Go to a bar.
IVAN
[Drawling]
But what would I do without my favorite roommate there to chauffer me home?
CYRUS
[Eyes opening]
Look, I need to meditate, so get the hell out of my apartment. [At this point, IVAN strolls offstage and comes back with a beer] I pay three quarters of the rent, it's mine. Get out. I don't care where you go.
IVAN
[Opening the bottle]
You're really buying into this New Age shit, aren't you? God, I tell you, more and more freaks are getting all Zenned out with their god damn rock gardens and what have you -
CYRUS
I'm not getting a rock garden. Right now, I'm getting a migraine. Get the hell out of here.
IVAN
[Draped over a recliner or sofa]
S'my apartment too. Oh, Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus.
Cyronius Rex. [Finding this analogy incredibly funny] Grr, look at me, I'm Cyronius Rex. I might be sleeping now, but just wait until I wake up and find out that you ate one of my babies! ARRRRGGHHH!
[Finds this hysterical]
CYRUS
[Muttering]
I'm enlightened, I'm enlightened, I'm enlightened I'm enlightened I'm-
IVAN
You are not.
IVAN
Cyrus! Earth to Cyrus!
If I have another heart attack, do you know what will happen? I'll die. I'll die, and it'll be because your selfish ass couldn't leave me alone for ten minutes so I could meditate.
IVAN
...Cyrus, I had no idea-
CYRUS
No, you didn't! Because you don't think! You don't think about anyone but yourself! Jesus! I'm living with somebody who's trying to kill me!
IVAN
[Shocked]
Cy-
CYRUS
Get out.
IVAN
[Taken aback]
No!
CYRUS
Get out, or I'm going to kick you out.
IVAN
Like...for good? You're kicking me out for good?
CYRUS
NO, DAMN IT! JUST GET OUT SO I CAN FUCKING FINISH MY MEDITATION!
[Strolling back onstage eating a baguette, then stopping, mouth half-full, laughing]
What-? Oh, Jesus, Cyrus, you've got to stop this.
CYRUS
[Obviously irritated]
Doctor says it's good for my blood pressure.
IVAN
Oh, doctors are full of shit.
CYRUS
[Raising arms above head and putting his hands together, breathing]
Ivan, go out and get drunk or something. Go to a bar.
IVAN
[Drawling]
But what would I do without my favorite roommate there to chauffer me home?
CYRUS
[Eyes opening]
Look, I need to meditate, so get the hell out of my apartment. [At this point, IVAN strolls offstage and comes back with a beer] I pay three quarters of the rent, it's mine. Get out. I don't care where you go.
IVAN
[Opening the bottle]
You're really buying into this New Age shit, aren't you? God, I tell you, more and more freaks are getting all Zenned out with their god damn rock gardens and what have you -
CYRUS
I'm not getting a rock garden. Right now, I'm getting a migraine. Get the hell out of here.
IVAN
[Draped over a recliner or sofa]
S'my apartment too. Oh, Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus.
Cyronius Rex. [Finding this analogy incredibly funny] Grr, look at me, I'm Cyronius Rex. I might be sleeping now, but just wait until I wake up and find out that you ate one of my babies! ARRRRGGHHH!
[Finds this hysterical]
CYRUS
[Muttering]
I'm enlightened, I'm enlightened, I'm enlightened I'm enlightened I'm-
IVAN
You are not.
IVAN
Cyrus! Earth to Cyrus!
Cyrus stands up, grabs IVAN's beer
bottle and throws it on the floor. IVAN
looks both dismayed and surprised.
CYRUSbottle and throws it on the floor. IVAN
looks both dismayed and surprised.
If I have another heart attack, do you know what will happen? I'll die. I'll die, and it'll be because your selfish ass couldn't leave me alone for ten minutes so I could meditate.
IVAN
...Cyrus, I had no idea-
CYRUS
No, you didn't! Because you don't think! You don't think about anyone but yourself! Jesus! I'm living with somebody who's trying to kill me!
IVAN
[Shocked]
Cy-
CYRUS
Get out.
IVAN
[Taken aback]
No!
CYRUS
Get out, or I'm going to kick you out.
IVAN
Like...for good? You're kicking me out for good?
CYRUS
NO, DAMN IT! JUST GET OUT SO I CAN FUCKING FINISH MY MEDITATION!
IVAN, terrified, picks himself up
and stuttering "sorry", backs out
the door and leaves.
CYRUS takes a giant breath, goes
back to his spot on the floor and sits
down in Lotus position. After a moment,
he picks up the beer off the floor and
takes a swig of it, satisfied.
and stuttering "sorry", backs out
the door and leaves.
CYRUS takes a giant breath, goes
back to his spot on the floor and sits
down in Lotus position. After a moment,
he picks up the beer off the floor and
takes a swig of it, satisfied.
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