A woman stands behind several
people in line at a grocery store.
Three people stand in front of her:
A fat, bumbling man; A mousey,
skittish woman and an average,
plump, brown-haired woman.
The woman seen as significant
because one light is specifically
on her. The checkout process is
going extremely slowly, due mostly
to the pimply teenager scanning
an immaculate amount of cans
of dog food for the fat man.
The MAN is counting the cans,
and loading the bags into his cart.
He loses count at 20-something,
becomes frustrated and tries to
count them while they are in his
cart. Finding this impossible, he
is flustered. This whole time, the
specified woman is behind him,
staring impatiently.
MAN
I have thirty-one coupons, exactly. EXACTLY. I thought I had thirty-one cans. I need thirty-one. Did you count?
CASHIER
[Confused]
...No. What?
MAN
I don't know if I picked thirty-one cans! I NEED thirty-one!
CASHIER
[Hopelessly]
Sir...you can only use one coupon per purchase.
MAN
[Infuriated]
Last time I purchased these, I used thirty-one coupons. Where's your manager?
CASHIER
[Suddenly afraid]
No. Uh, fine, sir, just...[dawning on him] Ohh, the cash register counted them for me. There are thirty-two here. Is that...okay?
MAN
THIRTY-TWO? I NEED THIRTY-ONE!
CASHIER
You can use all of the coupons.
MAN
[Squinting at him]
I allotted thirty-one coupons for thirty-one cans of Alpo. I get thirty-one cans. Not thirty-two.
The woman in back is gradually growing
more agitated, holding her basket impat-
iently.
CASHIER
Alright. Okay. Uhh...[hitting buttons] I just removed...one can. You're all set.
MAN
[Satisfied]
Fine. Here are my coupons. [Hands them over]
The CASHIER scans all thirty-one
coupons and sends the man packing.
The WOMAN in back looks relieved.
The mousey, neurotic woman comes
up, with wire-y glasses. She empties
her basket onto the conveyor belt,
watches them go by and opens a
change purse.
CASHIER
Your total is 21.78.
The skittish woman empties her change
purse and begins stacking quarters,
dimes and nickels. When she makes a
stack, she hands it to the cashier, who
is dumbstruck. The WOMAN in the
back slams her basket down and leans
forward.
WOMAN
Are you serious? I have to be out of here in [checks wrist] less than five minutes. I need to leave.
PLUMP WOMAN
[Turning around]
Now, you can just wait. That's not very nice.
CASHIER
[Frantic, taking the batty woman's penny stacks]
I'm doing my best, ma'am.
WOMAN
It's not you I'm worried about, it's
these idiots! One has a coupon for every can of dog food he has. This one apparently doesn't carry paper money.
PLUMP WOMAN
Different people take different amounts of time. You just wait your turn.
WOMAN
[Dumbstruck]
...Really? You're giving me advice? [Furious] What's your impediment? Are you going to pay in yen and demand a transaction? Do you need sixty-five receipts? Do you have an inordinate amount of coupons for your shit? Are you truly and utterly stupid? Seriously?
The WOMAN throws her grocery basket
into the air, spilling it everywhere.
WOMAN
[Laughing hysterically in disbelief]
Not worth it. Oh my god, not worth it.
I don't even know you,
and I hate you all.
She turns around and walks out of the
grocery store. The CASHIER, SKITTISH
WOMAN and PLUMP WOMAN are left
staring stupidly after her.
